i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
