At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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