I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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