New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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