I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I'm really busy with my period
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