i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
