Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
