If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
jump out the window naked night went bad
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