Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
