Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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