I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
