Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
