I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
