you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
