Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
