Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Randomize
