I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
