fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
