She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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