Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
