why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
