Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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