Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
