Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
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