Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I have already put on my inside pants.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
