Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm really busy with my period
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