We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He passed out mid-signature
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
