I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
