walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
