Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
