I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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