I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
