so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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