where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Who died my cat blue again?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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