Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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