Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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