the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
