i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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