My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
