It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
