You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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