A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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