I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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