can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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