Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
