i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
