I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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