ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
