I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
