so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
