On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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