What did we do last night that was yellow?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
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I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
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I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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