I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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