Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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