Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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