I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
